Pictures...

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

CIA, FBI, LAPD

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. 
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. 
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. 
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Dogs, Jump!!!

What dog can jump higher than a building?

Found Dead

A man is found dead in a phone booth in a pool of blood. The glass on either end of the phone booth is broken and the phone is hanging. Just outside of the phone booth is a bucket and a stick. What happened?

Unclean

Alone I am 24th, with a friend I am 20. Another friend and I am unclean. What am I?

BananApple

You have been given the task of transporting 3,000 apples 1,000 miles from Appleland to Bananaville. Your truck can carry 1,000 apples at a time. Every time you travel a mile towards Bananaville you must pay a tax of 1 apple but you pay nothing when going in the other direction (towards Appleland). What is highest number of apples you can get to Bananaville?

Light

Lighter than what I am made of, more of me is hidden than is seen. What am I?

Belongings

What belongs to you but others use it more than you do?

Poke ME

Poke your fingers in my eyes and I will open wide my jaws. Linen cloth, quills, or paper, my greedy lust devours them all. What am I?

Sum Sam and Product Pete are in class when their teacher gives Sam the Sum of two numbers and Pete the product of the same two numbers (these numbers are greater than or equal to 2). They must figure out the two numbers. 

Sam: I don't know what the numbers are Pete. 
Pete: I knew you didn't know the numbers... But neither do I. 
Sam: In that case, I do know the numbers.

A poor man is sitting in a pub. He sees that the man next to him is extremely rich. 
Poor man: I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed. 
The rich man laughs. 
Poor man: I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a popular song that includes a lady's name of your choosing. The rich man laughs again. 
Rich man: OK, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller? 
The poor man goes home rich. What song did he sing?

Yet,

I have no eyes, ears, tongue, or nose. Yet I see, hear, taste, and smell everything.

Jammin' Printer

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.

Calendar Factory

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Fishing

There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I'm just stuck here holding my rod...

Smell

Husband: Honey, do you smell that? 
Wife: No. 
Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.

BIG Threat

I am a big threat to humanity, but you wouldn't get rid of me even if you could. What am I?

Wear It

You wear me every day but you never put me on. I will change colors if you leave me out too long. What am I?

Life Time

I can bring tears to your eyes; resurrect the dead, make you smile, and reverse time. I form in an instant but I last a life time.
What am I?

Eating Right

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well." The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

What Time?

Guy: What time is it? 
Other Guy: Time for you to get a watch! OHHH! 
Guy: Time for you to get a new joke.

More Girls

A nerd sitting down on his chair... "Badass" bully comes up 
Bully : Hey nerd! I have 10 times more girls than you have! 
Nerd : *Thinks of comeback..* 10 times 0 is 0, I guess we have the same amount of girls!

Most Gorgeous and Beautiful

John: Hey. 
Tracy: Hey what are you doing? 
John: Just texting the most gorgeous and beautiful girl in the world. 
Tracy: Awww, that's so sweet, thanks John... 
John: But she did not text me back, and now am texting you.

Disgusting

Friend: Eww, disgusting! 
Me: Did you look in the mirror again?

Bully & Wimp

Bully is provoking a wimpy kid 
Bully: Hit me! 
Wimp: NO! 
Bully: Hit me! 
Wimp: NO! 
Bully: Hit me! 
Wimp: I don't know where you are from, but in this country we don't believe in hitting little girls.

Chewing

My teacher asked me the first day of school, "Are you chewing?" I said, "No, Chewing is probably one these exchange students, my name is Michael."

DONUTS

Police officer: You know why I pulled you over?

Me: *points at donuts* Because you smelt these.

Guest are Comin'

Mum: Go clean you room, guest are coming!
Child: I thought they were having dinner downstairs, NOT in my room.

MAKE your bed!!

Mom: Make your bed, Mike! 
Me: Why I have to make it if Im going to sleep in it again? 
Mom: Why do I feed you If I know your just going to die? 
Me: Good point. Lesson Learned.

Talking Back

Teacher: Are you talking back to me? 
Me: Yes, wouldn't it be rude if I didn't?

No one Cares!

Teacher: " What do you call a person who talks about things no one cares about? "
You: " A teacher. "

Vegetables

Mom: "Eat your vegetables." 
Kid: "I hate vegetables!" 
Mom: "But they like you." 
Kid: "That's because I don't eat them!"

Hear Talking!!!

Teacher: Why do I hear talking?
Me: Because you have ears!
Class: OOOOHHHHH!!!!!

Failed a Test

Teacher: You failed your test. 
Me: You failed to educate me.

Yes, please

*At a restaurant*
Waiter - "Would you like a table?"
Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.

Zoo

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don't be mad, I'll be there, too.
Not in the cage, but laughing at you!

Adopted

My little sister was being made fun of at school be#ausc shes adopted so she told them, " my momma choose me. your parents are stuck with you."

Nasty

I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.

I AM BEAUTIFUL

Teacher: 'I am beautiful.' What tense is this? 
Me: Past tense obviously.

Rollin' Rollin'

Keep rolling your eyes. Who knows, maybe you'll find a brain back there.

So Quiet

"Why are you so quiet?" 
Me: "Well, nobody plans a murder out loud, do they?"

End of the Ruler

Me: Mum i got a detention today
Mum: Why!
Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot".
Mum: Yeah so
Me: I asked what end.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? 
-It was dead 
Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? 
- It was stapled to the first one. 
Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree? 
-Peer pressure

Highway 33

A police officer pulls over a car full of old women. He says "Mam, you realize you can't drive that slow on the highway. It's dangerous." She responds "Isn't the speed limit 33?" Laughing the cop says "No man, this is highway 33. That's not the speed limit." He looks into the back of the car and the women are frightened. He asks "What's wrong with them?" The lady says "I don't know. We just came off of Highway 144."

ATOMS

Why can't you trust atoms?

LOAN

A blonde walks into a New York bank and asks for a $1,000 loan for a month long trip to Asia. The loan officer tells her "You are going to need some collateral if you want a loan." The blonde tells him "I'll leave my Rolls Royce, it's worth $200,000." The bank accepts the security and laughs at her for leaving such an expensive car for such a small loan. When she comes back from her trip she goes to the bank and repays her loan plus interest, coming to $1,020. The bank manager smirks at her and asks "We know you are a millionaire, why would you get such a small loan and use such an expensive car for collateral?" The blonde looks at him and smiles "Where else can I park my car in the city for a month for $20?"

Memory Test

Three elderly ladies are discussing their mental health. The first lady says, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "I was sitting at the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or just woke up." The final lady says, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood." With this she hits the table twice. Suddenly she is startled and looks up, "Who's there?"

From Head to Toe

You use me from your head to your toes, the more I work the thinner I grow. What am I?

Don't BURY me

You bury me when I'm alive, and dig me up only when I die. What am I?

Ask, Ask, Ask

What asks but never answers?

Change

Change a long pause into a short one by doubling a letter. What are the words?

Taste & Smell

What tastes better than it smells?

Angelic Love

"My wife is an angel." "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."

The Beginning 'til the End

From the beginning of eternity To the end of time and space To the beginning of every end And the end of every place. What am I?

At night and day

At night they come without being fetched, and by day they are lost without being stolen. What are they?

A Beautiful Princess

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!" Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?" The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Bring Your FINGERS!!

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

Bank Guard

Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.'' 
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?'' 
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.'' 
Clem: ''What did thief do then?'' 
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''

Construction Ear

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it."

Your Beautiful

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

A Word

Pronounced as one letter, And written with three, Two letters there are, And two only in me. I'm double, I'm single, I'm black, blue, and gray, I'm read from both ends, And the same either way. What am I?

I'm Weightless

I am weightless, but you can see me. Put me in a bucket, and I'll make it lighter. What am I?

Went to the Woods

I went into the woods and got it. I sat down to seek it. I brought it home with me because I couldn't find it. What is it?

Can Swim, Can't Fly

I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?

You weep, I'm dead

You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?

Crime OUT!

A certain crime is punishable if attempted but not punishable if committed. What is it?

I can do, but do can't I

What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?

I'll Break

Throw it off the highest building, and I'll not break. But put me in the ocean, and I will. What am I?

Calling the Principal

A school receives a telephone call. “Hello,” says the principal. “My daughter won’t be in school today,” says the voice. “May I ask who this is?” asked the principal. “This is my mother speaking.”

Phone Call

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$68,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing….The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

Services

We offer three kinds of service:

GOOD - CHEAP - FAST
You pick any two!

GOOD and CHEAP won't be FAST
GOOD and FAST won't be CHEAP
CHEAP and FAST won't be GOOD

Elevators

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

Gravity

What is the center of Gravity?

Hear

What can you hear but not touch or see?

Remove

Which eight-letter word still remains a word after removing each letter from it?

The BILL

Tuesday, Sam and Peter went to a restaurant to eat lunch. After eating lunch, they paid the bill. But Sam and Peter did not pay the bill, so who did?

Keys

What has Eighty-eight keys but can’t open a single door?

All over

What goes through towns and over hills but never moves?

It's Coming

What keeps coming but never arrives?