Rudolph the Red Nose Raindeer

A man and his wife were sitting at a table by the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he was Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and said, "No, I think that  is snow." He looks at her and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

Defense, Detail, Defeat

A school teacher asked her 6th grade class to construct a sentence with the words: defense, detail, and defeat.
There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them;
"The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

Give it to me straight, Doc.

A man hasn't been feeling well so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterwards, the doctor came out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said. "You're dying and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" said the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor said sadly.
"Ten?" the man asked, "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

Three Equals Four

Theorem:
3 = 4
Suppose: 
a+b = c
This can be written as: 
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b + 4c = 3a+ 3b + 3c
Take the constants into brackets:
4 (a+b+c) = 3 (a+b+c)
Remove like terms from left and right:
4 = 3

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, Nobody

This is a story about 4 people names Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody though Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everyone wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, and Everybody blamed Somebody.

Half to death

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Payments

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

Wrong lane

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

Curtains

A woman walks into a computer shop and ask for curtains for her computer. The salesman was surprised and asked why she needed curtains for her computer. She replied, "Halo! I've got Windows!"

3 Old Ladies

3 old ladies are eating dinner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." "You think that's bad?" The second lady replied. "The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, known on wood." She taps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

Skydiving

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Waking Her

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. 
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Finish & Complete

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’. 
I say there is..... 
Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’ 
Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’

Horsies

The London Racetrack needs to submit its 3 fastest horses to the Kentucky Derby out of 25 horses. 
However, all of their information was lost and they don't know any of the horse's times. Similarly, they all look identical so they can't remember who's fastest. 
They can only race 5 horses at once, so what is the fewest number of races they can conduct to find the 3 fastest horses?

Six Letter

You’ll have this six-letter word at night and if you remove the first letter it denotes the top, such as on a train. What is the word?

Something-or-other

I have heard of a something-or-other, growing in its nook, swelling and rising, pushing up its covering. Upon that boneless thing a cocky-minded young woman took a grip with her hands; with her apron a lord's daughter covered the tumescent thing. What is it?

Pick Pocketing

A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge. 
His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …

Dominoes

You have an 8 by 8 chess board that has two corner squares diagonal from each other removed. 
Is there any way to place 31 dominoes of size 2x1 to cover the remaining 62 spaces?

Several Kinds

There are several different kinds, but the one you pick doesn't do its job. What is it?

Going Fishing

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch. 
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two. 
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.” 
“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!” 
“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.