Bring Your FINGERS!!

A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."

Bank Guard

Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.'' 
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?'' 
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.'' 
Clem: ''What did thief do then?'' 
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''

Construction Ear

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it."

Your Beautiful

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

A Word

Pronounced as one letter, And written with three, Two letters there are, And two only in me. I'm double, I'm single, I'm black, blue, and gray, I'm read from both ends, And the same either way. What am I?

I'm Weightless

I am weightless, but you can see me. Put me in a bucket, and I'll make it lighter. What am I?

Went to the Woods

I went into the woods and got it. I sat down to seek it. I brought it home with me because I couldn't find it. What is it?

Can Swim, Can't Fly

I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?

You weep, I'm dead

You use a knife to slice my head and weep beside me when I am dead. What am I?

Crime OUT!

A certain crime is punishable if attempted but not punishable if committed. What is it?