Adopted

My little sister was being made fun of at school be#ausc shes adopted so she told them, " my momma choose me. your parents are stuck with you."

Nasty

I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.

I AM BEAUTIFUL

Teacher: 'I am beautiful.' What tense is this? 
Me: Past tense obviously.

Rollin' Rollin'

Keep rolling your eyes. Who knows, maybe you'll find a brain back there.

So Quiet

"Why are you so quiet?" 
Me: "Well, nobody plans a murder out loud, do they?"

End of the Ruler

Me: Mum i got a detention today
Mum: Why!
Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot".
Mum: Yeah so
Me: I asked what end.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? 
-It was dead 
Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? 
- It was stapled to the first one. 
Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree? 
-Peer pressure

Highway 33

A police officer pulls over a car full of old women. He says "Mam, you realize you can't drive that slow on the highway. It's dangerous." She responds "Isn't the speed limit 33?" Laughing the cop says "No man, this is highway 33. That's not the speed limit." He looks into the back of the car and the women are frightened. He asks "What's wrong with them?" The lady says "I don't know. We just came off of Highway 144."

ATOMS

Why can't you trust atoms?

LOAN

A blonde walks into a New York bank and asks for a $1,000 loan for a month long trip to Asia. The loan officer tells her "You are going to need some collateral if you want a loan." The blonde tells him "I'll leave my Rolls Royce, it's worth $200,000." The bank accepts the security and laughs at her for leaving such an expensive car for such a small loan. When she comes back from her trip she goes to the bank and repays her loan plus interest, coming to $1,020. The bank manager smirks at her and asks "We know you are a millionaire, why would you get such a small loan and use such an expensive car for collateral?" The blonde looks at him and smiles "Where else can I park my car in the city for a month for $20?"