Blind Flying
All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “We’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”
Croak
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa!" he says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!" "What?" said his grandpa. "Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"
Whisper
A Mother took her little boy to church
While in Church, the little boy said,
"Mommy, I have to pee"
The mother said to the little boy
"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So from now on, whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father.
During the service, he said to his father,
"Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said,
"Okay, just whisper in my ear."
While in Church, the little boy said,
"Mommy, I have to pee"
The mother said to the little boy
"It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So from now on, whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father.
During the service, he said to his father,
"Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said,
"Okay, just whisper in my ear."
Teacher's Pet
On the last day of
kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The
florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, "I
bet it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up
the box and said, "I bet it's some chocolates!" "That's
right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store
owner's son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched
a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her
tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy
answered. "What is it?" she said. "A puppy!"
Nickels and Dimes
John is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer John his choice between a nickel and a dime -- John always takes the nickel. One day, after John takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "John, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" John grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Ace it!!!
Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed. The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an 'A' for everything?" Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've always wanted to be an 'A' student."
Einstein
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner. "Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer "Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"
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