A little girl was watching her mother do the dishes. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast of her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, " Why are some of your hair white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, " Mom, how come all of Grandma's hair are white?"
Excellent Shredder
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Deaf Horse
A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
Congressman
A thief walks up to a man, pulls out a knife, and says "Give me all of your money."
The man, surprised, says "You can't rob me, I'm a congressman!"
The thief responds "In that case, give me my money!"
The man, surprised, says "You can't rob me, I'm a congressman!"
The thief responds "In that case, give me my money!"
Baseball Heaven
Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives.
One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven." Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing.
About a week later Tom dies.
One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name.
Scared, he asks, "Who's there?"
Suddenly Tom appears and says, "Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"
Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, "What's the bad news?"
Tom looks at him grimly and says, "I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow."
One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven." Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing.
About a week later Tom dies.
One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name.
Scared, he asks, "Who's there?"
Suddenly Tom appears and says, "Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"
Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, "What's the bad news?"
Tom looks at him grimly and says, "I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow."
NEW LOOK!!!
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The Lifeguard
A lifeguard told the mother of a young boy to make her son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows that from time to time, young children will urinate in the pool," the mother lectured him.
"Oh really? From the diving board?!"
"Oh really? From the diving board?!"
Pissed Lawyer
A woman goes to her lawyer and tells him, "I want to divorce my husband."
The lawyer says, "Do you have any grounds?"
She replies, "Yes, we have a few acres. But there's nothing valuable on it."
He says, "That's not what I meant, do you have a grudge?"
She replies, "Yes, that's where I park my car."
The lawyer becomes angry at this point, "Why do you want a divorce?!"
She replies, "We have trouble communicating."
The lawyer says, "Do you have any grounds?"
She replies, "Yes, we have a few acres. But there's nothing valuable on it."
He says, "That's not what I meant, do you have a grudge?"
She replies, "Yes, that's where I park my car."
The lawyer becomes angry at this point, "Why do you want a divorce?!"
She replies, "We have trouble communicating."
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