Rudolph the Red Nose Raindeer
A man and his wife were sitting at a table by the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he was Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and said, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
Defense, Detail, Defeat
A school teacher asked her 6th grade class to construct a sentence with the words: defense, detail, and defeat.
There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them;
"The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them;
"The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
Give it to me straight, Doc.
A man hasn't been feeling well so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterwards, the doctor came out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said. "You're dying and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" said the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor said sadly.
"Ten?" the man asked, "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor said. "You're dying and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" said the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor said sadly.
"Ten?" the man asked, "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
Three Equals Four
Theorem:
3 = 4
Suppose:
a+b = c
This can be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b + 4c = 3a+ 3b + 3c
Take the constants into brackets:
4 (a+b+c) = 3 (a+b+c)
Remove like terms from left and right:
4 = 3
3 = 4
Suppose:
a+b = c
This can be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b + 4c = 3a+ 3b + 3c
Take the constants into brackets:
4 (a+b+c) = 3 (a+b+c)
Remove like terms from left and right:
4 = 3
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, Nobody
This is a story about 4 people names Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody though Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everyone wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, and Everybody blamed Somebody.
Curtains
A woman walks into a computer shop and ask for curtains for her computer. The salesman was surprised and asked why she needed curtains for her computer. She replied, "Halo! I've got Windows!"
3 Old Ladies
3 old ladies are eating dinner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." "You think that's bad?" The second lady replied. "The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, known on wood." She taps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"
Waking Her
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Finish & Complete
People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.
I say there is.....
Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’
Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’
I say there is.....
Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’
Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’
Horsies
The London Racetrack needs to submit its 3 fastest horses to the Kentucky Derby out of 25 horses.
However, all of their information was lost and they don't know any of the horse's times. Similarly, they all look identical so they can't remember who's fastest.
They can only race 5 horses at once, so what is the fewest number of races they can conduct to find the 3 fastest horses?
However, all of their information was lost and they don't know any of the horse's times. Similarly, they all look identical so they can't remember who's fastest.
They can only race 5 horses at once, so what is the fewest number of races they can conduct to find the 3 fastest horses?
Six Letter
You’ll have this six-letter word at night and if you remove the first letter it denotes the top, such as on a train. What is the word?
Something-or-other
I have heard of a something-or-other, growing in its nook, swelling and rising, pushing up its covering. Upon that boneless thing a cocky-minded young woman took a grip with her hands; with her apron a lord's daughter covered the tumescent thing. What is it?
Pick Pocketing
A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to 8 months jail term with an option of $200 fine by the judge.
His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …
His defense lawyer knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking; “Your honor, my client can only afford $50, but if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …
Dominoes
You have an 8 by 8 chess board that has two corner squares diagonal from each other removed.
Is there any way to place 31 dominoes of size 2x1 to cover the remaining 62 spaces?
Is there any way to place 31 dominoes of size 2x1 to cover the remaining 62 spaces?
Several Kinds
There are several different kinds, but the one you pick doesn't do its job. What is it?
Going Fishing
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”
“In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”
“Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
Hearing Problem
An old man is afraid that his wife is loosing her hearing. So, he walks up right to her ear and asks, "Can you hear me?" She didn't answer.
He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer.
Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "For the third time, YES!!!"
He walked up closer and asked again. But there was no answer.
Finally he asked her one more time really loud and his wife said, "For the third time, YES!!!"
Sun is High
You’ll see me when the sun is high and also late at night,
I’m in the songs of holidays, when the snow is white,
Kings and Queens and royalty, are all found in me,
I’m the largest of them all, with just one you see,
Step by step with pounding feet, I’m tribes of angry men,
I’m above your hands right now, for help or to go again,
You’ll use me in the kitchen, or add a little more,
I’ll be in the years to come, and the days of yore. What am I?
I’m in the songs of holidays, when the snow is white,
Kings and Queens and royalty, are all found in me,
I’m the largest of them all, with just one you see,
Step by step with pounding feet, I’m tribes of angry men,
I’m above your hands right now, for help or to go again,
You’ll use me in the kitchen, or add a little more,
I’ll be in the years to come, and the days of yore. What am I?
My Goat
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.
They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in.
While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!
The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in.
While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!
The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
Dark Reading
Jim and his wife Patty were sitting in bed together one evening while a thunderstorm raged outside. After a bolt of lightning followed by a loud clap of thunder, the lights went out. Jim stopped reading and went to sleep, but Patty continued reading without using any device with batteries. How did she do it?
Worst Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
Cute Names
Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.” “To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”
My Dog
A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.
Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."
Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."
Baseball Hole
A little boy knocks at the door and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”
“How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked the child. Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at the homeowner, the little boy exclaimed, “Wow lady! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”
Cannot Drink
Has a mouth, but cannot drink.
Has a head, but cannot think.
Has a tongue, but not a lung.
Some are held and some are hung.
What Am I?
Has a head, but cannot think.
Has a tongue, but not a lung.
Some are held and some are hung.
What Am I?
Poor old Bob
Poor old Bob sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club.
They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely
They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely
Big Fan
Q: What did the windmill say when she met her favorite movie star?
A: "Nice to meet you, I'm a BIG FAN!"
A: "Nice to meet you, I'm a BIG FAN!"
Vanishing Cream
During a dinner party, the host' 2 little kids entered the dining room totally naked and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guest cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the kid was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the kid was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"
Bull's Ride
Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar.
Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word.
Hoss said to the telegram man,"OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'."
Why do you want to tell her that?” asked the telegram man.
"Oh, she's not the best reader," Hoss said. "She'll read it really slowly". (Com-for-ta-ble, get it?)
Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word.
Hoss said to the telegram man,"OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'."
Why do you want to tell her that?” asked the telegram man.
"Oh, she's not the best reader," Hoss said. "She'll read it really slowly". (Com-for-ta-ble, get it?)
Memory Clinic
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Dinner Party
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going.
The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going.
The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
Information and Letters
If it's information you seek, come and see me.
If it's pairs of letters you need, I have consecutively three
Who am I???
If it's pairs of letters you need, I have consecutively three
Who am I???
Will and Fortune
A man is writing his will and wants to leave everything he has to one of his two sons, whichever one is more dedicated. To decide which one will win the fortune, he gives them each a car and tells them that whoever's car passes the finish line he has sat up last will get everything he has.
After a month of both sons refusing to cross the line, they finally go to their uncle tor advice. They both leave their uncle's house in a hurry and race to the finish line as fast as they.
What advice did their uncle give them?
After a month of both sons refusing to cross the line, they finally go to their uncle tor advice. They both leave their uncle's house in a hurry and race to the finish line as fast as they.
What advice did their uncle give them?
Thin and Thick
No thicker than your finger when it folds. As thick as what it’s holding when it holds. What am I?
Hear a lot, Say a lot
I hear a lot
And I say a lot
Few ever look for me
And even fewer ever hear me I hide in plain sight
Whether its day or night
To help is all I want
But most like to bend me
And as if they had a wand
Never again shall anyone find me
They do this to control
Without realizing the high price of a soul
But when I’m least expected
They’d rather be protected
For there shall be no place to hide
What am I?
And I say a lot
Few ever look for me
And even fewer ever hear me I hide in plain sight
Whether its day or night
To help is all I want
But most like to bend me
And as if they had a wand
Never again shall anyone find me
They do this to control
Without realizing the high price of a soul
But when I’m least expected
They’d rather be protected
For there shall be no place to hide
What am I?
Politicians
There is a party of 100 high-powered politicians. All of them are either honest or liars.
You walk in knowing two things:
- At least one of them is honest.
- If you take any two politicians, at least one of them is a liar.
From this information, can you know how many are liars and how many are honest?
You walk in knowing two things:
- At least one of them is honest.
- If you take any two politicians, at least one of them is a liar.
From this information, can you know how many are liars and how many are honest?
Loose Ends
You have a bag with 'N' strings in it. You randomly grab two ends and tie them together until there are no more loose ends. In the end, what is the expected number of loops (strings tied to their own end)?
Fell Down the Well
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Toby got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Toby. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Toby got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Toby. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Medicine
After the examination the physician handed the patient a prescription and said, "Take this medicine after each meal."
"But doc," confessed the patient, "I have not eaten in four days."
"Fine," said the doctor, "the medicine will last longer."
"But doc," confessed the patient, "I have not eaten in four days."
"Fine," said the doctor, "the medicine will last longer."
You've got mail!
A guy was running back and forth from his computer to his mailbox.
Then the mailman came up to him and asked him what he was doing.
The guy replied, "My dumb computer keeps saying 'you've got mail'."
Then the mailman came up to him and asked him what he was doing.
The guy replied, "My dumb computer keeps saying 'you've got mail'."
Rich Millionaire
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going.
The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going.
The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
DOGSSS!!!
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Dissolved into air
I am the black child of a white father, a wingless bird, flying even to the clouds of heaven.
I give birth to tears of mourning in pupils that meet me, even though there is no cause for grief, and at once on my birth I am dissolved into air.
What am I?
I give birth to tears of mourning in pupils that meet me, even though there is no cause for grief, and at once on my birth I am dissolved into air.
What am I?
Correction
The teacher wrote on the board, "I ain't had no fun this summer."
'Now Paul," she said, "What shall I do to correct this?"
"Get a boyfriend," Paul replied.
'Now Paul," she said, "What shall I do to correct this?"
"Get a boyfriend," Paul replied.
Gray hair
A little girl was watching her mother do the dishes. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast of her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, " Why are some of your hair white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, " Mom, how come all of Grandma's hair are white?"
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, " Why are some of your hair white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, " Mom, how come all of Grandma's hair are white?"
Excellent Shredder
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Deaf Horse
A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
Congressman
A thief walks up to a man, pulls out a knife, and says "Give me all of your money."
The man, surprised, says "You can't rob me, I'm a congressman!"
The thief responds "In that case, give me my money!"
The man, surprised, says "You can't rob me, I'm a congressman!"
The thief responds "In that case, give me my money!"
Baseball Heaven
Two men, Tom and Joe, have loved baseball more than anything their entire lives.
One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven." Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing.
About a week later Tom dies.
One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name.
Scared, he asks, "Who's there?"
Suddenly Tom appears and says, "Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"
Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, "What's the bad news?"
Tom looks at him grimly and says, "I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow."
One day Tom says to Joe, "If you die before me, promise me you'll come back and tell me if there is baseball in Heaven." Joe agrees and makes Tom promise the same thing.
About a week later Tom dies.
One night Joe wakes up to somebody calling his name.
Scared, he asks, "Who's there?"
Suddenly Tom appears and says, "Hi Joe. I'm coming here from Heaven. I've got some good news and some bad news. I'll give you the good news first, there is baseball in heaven!"
Joe gets very excited, but then he asks, "What's the bad news?"
Tom looks at him grimly and says, "I looked at the lineup and you're pitching tomorrow."
NEW LOOK!!!
So how's the NEW look. Do you guys like it. Can't wait to here from you. Please leave comments down below about what YOU think, and don't forget to subscribe to receive daily riddles!
The Lifeguard
A lifeguard told the mother of a young boy to make her son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows that from time to time, young children will urinate in the pool," the mother lectured him.
"Oh really? From the diving board?!"
"Oh really? From the diving board?!"
Pissed Lawyer
A woman goes to her lawyer and tells him, "I want to divorce my husband."
The lawyer says, "Do you have any grounds?"
She replies, "Yes, we have a few acres. But there's nothing valuable on it."
He says, "That's not what I meant, do you have a grudge?"
She replies, "Yes, that's where I park my car."
The lawyer becomes angry at this point, "Why do you want a divorce?!"
She replies, "We have trouble communicating."
The lawyer says, "Do you have any grounds?"
She replies, "Yes, we have a few acres. But there's nothing valuable on it."
He says, "That's not what I meant, do you have a grudge?"
She replies, "Yes, that's where I park my car."
The lawyer becomes angry at this point, "Why do you want a divorce?!"
She replies, "We have trouble communicating."
The Travelling Horse
A horse travels a certain distance each day. Strangely enough, two of its legs travel 30 miles each day and the other two legs travel nearly 31 miles. How is this situation possible?
I am Never Released
I am taken from a mine, and shut up in a wooden case, from which I am never released, and yet I am used by almost everybody. What am I?
Nobody saw
Many have heard me, but nobody has seen me, and I will not speak back until spoken to. What am I?
Will you...
A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on.
One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years. So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question.
He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"
She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"
One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years. So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question.
He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"
She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"
Bridge Crossing
Four people need to cross a bridge in 17 minutes in the middle of the night. The bridge can only hold two or less people at any time and they only have one flashlight so they must travel together (or alone). The flashlight can only travel with a person so every time it crosses the bridge it must be carried back. Tom can cross in 1 minute, John can cross in 2 minutes, Sally can cross in 5 minutes, and Connor can cross in 10 minutes. If two people cross together they go as fast as the slower person. How can they cross the bridge in 17 minutes or less?
Number 3
I'm number three.
But I'm not a number.
I'm hot and cold at the same moment but not at the same time.
I'm number three.
But I'm not a number.
Who or what am I?
But I'm not a number.
I'm hot and cold at the same moment but not at the same time.
I'm number three.
But I'm not a number.
Who or what am I?
Stabbed!
Two men are facing each other alone in a large room. There is a clock on the wall. One man, who thinks of himself as a prophet, says to the other, "In five minutes you'll be stabbed in the back." The other man is very distraught and stares at the clock. After five minutes he is stabbed in the back. What happened?
Music Composition
After Beethoven died music could be heard from his grave. People gathered around and they could hear his 8th symphony playing in reverse... Then the 7th... And the 6th. Suddenly the priest realized what was happening and made an announcement, "Everything is okay people! It's just Beethoven decomposing."
WRONG Direction
A little old man told his wife, "I have to go to my doctor's appointment now. I'll see you later." After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television. A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him, "Honey, there's a car going in the wrong direction!"
The husband replied, "They're all going in the wrong direction!"
Knowing that that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him, "Honey, there's a car going in the wrong direction!"
The husband replied, "They're all going in the wrong direction!"
Rich Lawyer
A lawyer is getting out of his Rolls Royce and a truck slams into his car. He yells, "What the heck are you doing?!"
The driver replies, "Are you serious, you care so much about money you didn't even notice your arm is missing?"
At this point the lawyer freaks out, "And my Rolex!"
The driver replies, "Are you serious, you care so much about money you didn't even notice your arm is missing?"
At this point the lawyer freaks out, "And my Rolex!"
RRR!!!
A deckhand approaches the pirate captain and tells him, "The cannons be ready, captain." The captain replies, "Are."
Girlfriend
A man brings his girlfriend into his room and tells her to sit down "There is something I have to tell you."
She replies "What is it?"
He tells her "I don't want you to be my girlfriend anymore."
She immediately jumps up and screams at him "I never want to see you again!"
The man, dumbfounded, says to himself "Well that was a waste of a $5,000 engagement ring..."
She replies "What is it?"
He tells her "I don't want you to be my girlfriend anymore."
She immediately jumps up and screams at him "I never want to see you again!"
The man, dumbfounded, says to himself "Well that was a waste of a $5,000 engagement ring..."
Missing teeth
A man went to the dentist because he was missing some teeth.
The dentist asks him, "How exactly did this happen?"
He replies, "My wife's bread is as hard as a rock!"
The dentist says, "You could have said no to eating it."
The man replies, "I know, how do you think this happened?"
The dentist asks him, "How exactly did this happen?"
He replies, "My wife's bread is as hard as a rock!"
The dentist says, "You could have said no to eating it."
The man replies, "I know, how do you think this happened?"
Antique
An antique dealer is walking through town and sees a cat drinking milk from a saucer in a shop window. He is shocked when he realizes that the saucer is very rare and expensive. He enters the shop and asks the owner "Hey, I really like the cat. Would you be willing to sell it to me?"
The store owner replies "Not for sale."
The antique dealer thinking quickly responds "I'll give you $100 for it."
The shop owner agrees and the antique dealer grabs the cat. He acts like he is about to leave then adds "Oh, would you mind throwing in the saucer, the cat seems to like it."
The shop owner replies "No, that's my lucky saucer. I've sold hundreds of cats since I got it."
The store owner replies "Not for sale."
The antique dealer thinking quickly responds "I'll give you $100 for it."
The shop owner agrees and the antique dealer grabs the cat. He acts like he is about to leave then adds "Oh, would you mind throwing in the saucer, the cat seems to like it."
The shop owner replies "No, that's my lucky saucer. I've sold hundreds of cats since I got it."
Dogs
A man with a dog walks into a bank that has a sign reading "No dogs."
A security guard walks up to him and asks "Did you read the sign? No dogs."
The man replies "I know. Someone should fix that. It should say one dog."
A security guard walks up to him and asks "Did you read the sign? No dogs."
The man replies "I know. Someone should fix that. It should say one dog."
Pull it up
Round like a apple, deep like a cup, but all the kings horses can't pull it up. What is it?
Iceland
A very important man is about to take a trip to Iceland. He is awoken in the middle of the night by his security guard the night before he is supposed to leave. His guard tells him he needs to take a boat rather than a plane, because he just dreamt that the plane was going to crash. The guard leaves because it's the end of his shift. The man listens to his guard and takes a boat. Soon after arriving in Iceland he hears that the plane he was supposed to go on crashed. When he arrives home he fires his guard. Why?
Lying Liar
Every time a man lies his nose grows to 150 percent of its size. Every time he tells the truth it shrinks to 50 percent of its size. What will happen if he alternates between lies and the truth?
Few Points
I have a few points but we're not competing. And I'll help you win when you're eating. What am I?
Three Men
If it takes three men two days to dig a hole, how long does it take one man to dig half of a hole?
Dad & Four Boys
A dad and his four boys stand in line.
All crowned, they toil in darkness.
Another family they see, two birds of a feather.
All of them together clad in leather.
What are they?
All crowned, they toil in darkness.
Another family they see, two birds of a feather.
All of them together clad in leather.
What are they?
What you Don't need
Filled with garb, the price is free.
Just return what you don't need.
What am I?
Just return what you don't need.
What am I?
Bending Blades
Countless blades that bend with a touch, exploited by kids who want to make a buck. What am I?
A Jar
There are three jars full of equal amounts quarters, dimes, and penny's. Which one has the highest value?
Man Murder
A man murders his wife with a knife in their car. Nobody is around to see this. He throws her out of the car being careful not to leave any fingerprints on her body. Next he throws the knife off of a cliff into a gorge where it will never be found and he goes home. An hour later the police call him and tell him that his wife has been murdered and he needs to come to the scene of the crime immediately. As soon as he arrives, he is arrested. How did they know he did it?
Noble Cowardly
To give me to someone I don't belong to is cowardly, but to take me is noble. I can be a game, but there are no winners. What am I?
Window Washer
There was a window cleaner who was cleaning a window on the 25th floor of a skyscraper. He suddenly slips and falls. He has no safety equipment and nothing to soften his fall, but he is not hurt at all. How do you account for that?
See through....
There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls. What is it?
I stare U, U stare I
I stare at you, you stare at me.
I have three eyes, yet can't see.
Every time I blink, I give you commands.
You do as you are told, with your feet and hands.
What am I?
I have three eyes, yet can't see.
Every time I blink, I give you commands.
You do as you are told, with your feet and hands.
What am I?
Something, Nothing
When you do not know what I am, then I am something. But when you know what I am, then I am nothing. What am I?
Droppings
Tom is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure. The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Tom asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?" His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter." Tom likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste like poo." His grandpa replies, "You're getting smarter already."
Throw me
When you need me, you throw me away. But when you're done with me, you bring me back. What am I?
Ants on a Stick
Ants on a stick may only move left or right. If they bump into each other they bounce off of each other and immediately move in the opposite direction maintaining speed the entire time. The only time they change speed is when they fall off of the edge of the stick. If 25 ants are randomly put on a 1 meter long stick moving 1 meter per second, what is the longest amount of time it could take for them to all fall off?
Fast Food Chicken
A fast food restaurant sells chicken in orders of 6, 9, and 20. What is the largest number of pieces of chicken you cannot order from this restaurant?
Sound of ME
At the sound of me, men may dream, or they may stamp their feet. At the sound of me, women may laugh, or even weep. What am I?
Apples
There are five people and 5 apples in a basket. Each person gets an apple, yet the basket still has an apple in it. How is this possible?
Large Stick
A man is walking through the park one day and sees a group of four boys standing in a circle. A smaller boy is holding a large stick and hands it to a larger boy saying "I couldn't do it, your turn." The larger boy swings the stick twice and the other two boys go to the ground. The smaller boy says "I'll get 'em next time." The man walks away smiling. What just happened?
Cheating
In an apartment complex in New York there are one hundred married couples. When one of the husbands cheats on his wife with one of the other wives, his wife has no idea. With the large amount of gossip in the complex, all of the other wives know he is cheating. If a wife finds out that her husband is cheating on her, she kills him the following morning. Someone anonymously sends an email to all of the wives in the building saying that at least 1 man is cheating on his wife in the building. How many husbands will be killed and how long will it take?
Eggies
John has some chickens that have been laying him plenty of eggs. He wants to give away his eggs to several of his friends, but he wants to give them all the same number of eggs. He figures out that he needs to give 7 of his friends eggs for them to get the same amount, otherwise there is 1 extra egg left. What is the least number of eggs he needs for this to be true?
Cup of Water
You have a large number of friends coming over and they all get thirsty. Your first friend asks for 1/2 a cup of water. Your second friend asks for 1/4 a cup of water. Your third friend asks for 1/8 a cup of water, etc. How many cups of water do you need to serve your friends?
You Shall Fall!
A natural state, I'm sought by all. Go without me, and you shall fall. You do me when you spend, and use me when you eat to no end. What am I?
Barrel of Wine
A man wants to have a party in thirty-one days where he will be serving his 1000 barrels of wine. The only problem is that one of his enemies poisoned one of the barrels. The poison kills any man who drinks any of the wine in about 30 days, give or take a few hours. The man has 10 plants that are also killed by the poison in 30 days and can be used to test the wine. How can identify the single poisoned barrel of wine?
ON Detention
A teacher decides to give a pop quiz one day but all of her students refuse to take the quiz thinking that the teacher will call off the quiz. She can give only one of these students a detention for skipping the quiz. All of the students know each other's names and if a student knows he/she is getting a detention they take the quiz. How can she threaten her students with the single detention so they all take the quiz?
Letter Word
What is a word made up of 4 letters, yet is also made up of 3. Sometimes is written with 9 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
Enemy Kingdom
A knight and his men come back to the castle after a long day.
The king asks him, "How are we faring?"
The knight replies, "Sire, I have been robbing, pillaging and burning down the towns of your enemies in the north all day long."
The king shrieks, "What?! I have no enemies in the north!"
The knight replies, "Oh... You do now."
The king asks him, "How are we faring?"
The knight replies, "Sire, I have been robbing, pillaging and burning down the towns of your enemies in the north all day long."
The king shrieks, "What?! I have no enemies in the north!"
The knight replies, "Oh... You do now."
MNO
No matter the shape I sit in, you'll find me in a row. Although my name has no letters, my initials are MNO. What am I?
$100,000 Dollar bill
A man leaves an $100,000 dollar bill on his desk and leaves work. When he returns the money is gone. He has three suspects: the cook, the cleaning lady, and the mail guy. The cook says he put the money under a book on his desk to keep it safe. They check and it is no longer there. The maid says she moved it when she was cleaning to the inside of the book between page 1 and 2. They open the book and look between page number 1 and 2 but it isn't there. The mail guy says he saw it sticking out of the book and to keep it safe he moved it to between page number 2 and 3. Once they are done the culprit is promptly arrested. Who did it and how did he know?
PeePee
A man walks up to a bartender and tells him "I bet you $5,000 I can pee into a cup all the way across your bar." The bartender, knowing this is impossible, agrees. They set it up and the man starts peeing all over the place, missing the cup completely. The bartender gets begins to cheer because he know he just won $5,000. The man walks over to his friends and comes back to the bartender. He pays the bartender his money with a grin on his face. The bartender asks him "Why are you so happy? You just lost $5,000." The man replies "I know, but I bet my friends $10,000 dollars that you would cheer while I pee all over the bar."
Animal Crackers
Little Tommy asks his mom if he can have some animal crackers. His mom gives him a box of crackers and tells him he can have a few. His mom leaves and comes back in a few minutes finding all of the crackers on the floor with Tommy looking through them. His mother asks "What are you doing Tommy?" Tommy replies "It said don't eat if the seal was already broken. But I can't find a seal!"
Talking DOG
A man walks into a bar with his dog but the bartender says "You can't bring your dog into here!"
The man replies "but this is no ordinary dog. You see, this dog can talk. I'll prove it to you. What covers trees?" The dog replies "Bark!"
He asks "What's on top of a house?" The dog answers "Roof!"
Finally the man asks "Who's your favorite baseball player?" The dog says "Ruth!"
The bartender immediately throws them both out.
The man says "What was that guy's problem?"
The dog answers "Maybe he's not a fan of the Yankees."
The man replies "but this is no ordinary dog. You see, this dog can talk. I'll prove it to you. What covers trees?" The dog replies "Bark!"
He asks "What's on top of a house?" The dog answers "Roof!"
Finally the man asks "Who's your favorite baseball player?" The dog says "Ruth!"
The bartender immediately throws them both out.
The man says "What was that guy's problem?"
The dog answers "Maybe he's not a fan of the Yankees."
Prison Strategy
There is a prison with 100 prisoners, each in separate cells with no form of contact. There is an area in the prison with a single light bulb in it. Each day, the warden picks one of the prisoners at random, even if they have been picked before, and takes them out to the lobby. The prisoner will have the choice to flip the switch if they want. The light bulb starts off. When a prisoner is taken into the area with the light bulb, he can also say "Every prisoner has been brought to the light bulb." If this is true all prisoners will go free. However, if a prisoner chooses to say this and it's wrong, all the prisoners will be executed. So a prisoner should only say this if he knows it is true for sure.
Before the first day of this process begins, all the prisoners are allowed to get together to discuss a strategy to eventually save themselves.
What strategy could they use to ensure they will go free?
Before the first day of this process begins, all the prisoners are allowed to get together to discuss a strategy to eventually save themselves.
What strategy could they use to ensure they will go free?
20 20
A criminal is brought into a prison for major crimes. The warden informs him that he will be shot in the middle of the prison by 20 of his men. The prisoner is fine with that but he asks for some conditions "All of your men must stand 20 feet away from me and I must be able to select where each of them stands. If I survive, I get to leave." The warden thinks about it and knows that all of his men will still have an open shot at the criminal, so he agrees.
The next day immediately after the firing squad is positioned the criminal walks out untouched.
How did he do it?
The next day immediately after the firing squad is positioned the criminal walks out untouched.
How did he do it?
It not
Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. Whoever knows it, wants it not. What is it?
Sub-Train
A man in New York City has $10. He spends $6.50 on flowers, and $3 on lunch (hot coffee and a hot dog). He then gets on the subway which will take him 7 stops for 50 cents. But he is forced to get off of the subway just 5 stops away from where he began. Why is this?
What's her name?
A smooth dance, a ball sport, a place to stay, an Asian country, and a girl's name. What's her name?
Bad Lawyer
A man is in court for killing his wife. In the closing statements the man's lawyer surprises everyone when he announces "His wife was just missing. Everyone look at those doors. His wife is going to walk in those doors in about 30 seconds."The entire court is silent and the jury stares at the door as the lawyer and the defendant stare at them. After a couple of minutes the lawyer says "See! If you were so sure he killed his wife, you wouldn't be watching that door!"
The jury goes into deliberation and comes back almost immediately with a guilty verdict.
Why did the jury convict him?
The jury goes into deliberation and comes back almost immediately with a guilty verdict.
Why did the jury convict him?
Black & White Hats
There are four men: Abe, Butch, Cam, and Dan. There are four hats: two white and two black. They each get a hat: Abe gets black, Butch gets white, Cam gets black, and Dan gets white. They don't know what hat color they have. Abe goes into a room so that no one can see his hat. The others line up in front of the door in the order Butch, Cam, and Dan (Butch can't see the others hats, Cam can see Butch's, and Dan can see Cam and Butch's hats). Whoever can figure out their hat color first wins $1,000. If they are wrong they are out of the running. Which man can figure out his hat color without a doubt?
Bank Robbery
A bank is getting robbed and one of the robbers tells one of the tellers to give him all of the money. The teller tells him she doesn't have access to it. Suddenly the phone rings. The robber tells the teller to answer it and not give them away. She picks up the phone and it happens to be her mother. She tells her mother "Is this an emergency mom? Call me when I get home, I could use some help painting." Then she hangs up. The robbers continue to try to get into the vault but twenty minutes later the police show up with the tellers mom and arrest them all. How did the police know about the robbery?
Pirates!!!
Five pirates are parting ways after finding a treasure of 100 pieces of gold. The pirates decide to split it based on a vote. Each pirate, from oldest to youngest, gets to propose a plan on how to split the gold. If at least 50 percent of the other remaining pirates agree on the plan, that is how they will split the gold. If less than 50 percent of the pirates agree, the pirate who came up with the plan will be thrown overboard. Each pirate is smart, greedy, and wants to throw as many others overboard as possible without reducing the amount of gold they get. What plan can the first (oldest) pirate propose to live and get as much gold as possible?
500
500 is at my end and my start, yet 5 is at my heart. The first letter and the first number make me complete. My name is that of a king. What am I?
Prisoners
There are 100 prisoners lining up to go to jail. Each prisoner is wearing a hat that is either black or white. The prisoners don't know their own hat color, just the hat color of those in front of them in line (the first prisoner in line can't see anyone's hat and the last prisoner can see everyone's hat except their own). Starting from the back, one of the guards asks each prisoner what color their hat is. If they are correct they get to go free but if they are wrong they go to jail. If the prisoners get to discuss a plan, how can at least 99 of them be saved?
The Ant
An ant gets onto one end of a tight rope that is 1 meter long. The ant is traveling at 1 centimeter per second, but the entire rope is being stretched an extra 1 meter a second (it can be stretched forever).
Will the ant ever reach the other end of the rope?
Will the ant ever reach the other end of the rope?
Tom & Sally
Tom wants to send Sally an expensive ring through the mail because they live thousands of miles apart. The only problem is that everything sent through the mail is stolen unless there is a lock put on it. Both Tom and Sally have plenty of locks and keys but they don't have any of the same locks or keys.
How can Tom send Sally the ring without it getting stolen?
How can Tom send Sally the ring without it getting stolen?
Work under Pressure
Under pressure is the only way I work, and by myself is the only way I'm hurt. What am I?
Warden
The warden of a circular jail is extremely hyper one day so he begins running around opening cells. The jail has 100 cells numbered from 1 to 100. He runs in a circle and opens all of the cells. Next he runs around and closes every 2nd cell (starting with cell 2, 4, 6 , etc.). If a cell is open he closes it and if a cell is closed he opens it. When he finishes running by all 100 cells he opens/closes every 3rd cell (starting with 3, 6, 9, 12 etc.), then every 4th cell (starting with 4, 8, 12, etc.) and so on.
He does this until he goes around and only changes the 100th cell. When he is done what cells will be open?
He does this until he goes around and only changes the 100th cell. When he is done what cells will be open?
DETENTION
A teacher decides to give a pop quiz one day but all of her students refuse to take the quiz thinking that the teacher will call off the quiz. She can give only one of these students a detention for skipping the quiz. All of the students know each other's names and if a student knows he/she is getting a detention they take the quiz.
How can she threaten her students with the single detention so they all take the quiz?
How can she threaten her students with the single detention so they all take the quiz?
1 of the US
My first is often at the front door. My second is found in the cereal family. My third is what most people want. My whole is one of the United States. What am I?
Go through a fall
After you go through a fall I will take over. All life will stall, or at least grow slower. What am I?
COCO
You have two coconuts and you want to find out how high they can be dropped from a 100 story building before they break.
But you only have $1.40 and the elevator costs a dime each time you ride it up (it's free for rides down).
How can you drop the coconuts to guarantee you will find the lowest floor they will break at, while starting and ending at floor 1?
Note: They break when dropped from the same height and they don't weaken from getting dropped.
But you only have $1.40 and the elevator costs a dime each time you ride it up (it's free for rides down).
How can you drop the coconuts to guarantee you will find the lowest floor they will break at, while starting and ending at floor 1?
Note: They break when dropped from the same height and they don't weaken from getting dropped.
WE
We hurt without moving.
We poison without touching.
We bear the truth and the lies.
We are not to be judged by our size.
What are we?
We poison without touching.
We bear the truth and the lies.
We are not to be judged by our size.
What are we?
It KILLS You
It brings light to a dark dark world, In a current it travels and through tunnels it's hurled. Touch it and it'll kill you. What is it?
More or Less
The more of me you have, the longer your life. The more of me you have, the less you have left. What am I?
Poison Tea
Two girls ate dinner together. They both ordered ice tea. One girl drank them very fast and drank five of them in the time it took the other to drink one. The girl who drank one died while the other survived. All of the drinks were poisoned. Why did the girl that drank more ice tea survive?
Gold Coin
Two men find an old gold coin and want to have a coin toss with it to decide who gets it. The only problem is the coin is heavier on one side so it comes up heads more than tails. What is a fair way for the men to toss the coin and decide who gets the coin?
I'm not for you
If you're looking for something sweet I know what to do. But if you don't like heat I'm not for you. What am I?
See me
If it's information you seek, come and see me. If it's pairs of letters you need, I have consecutively three. Who am I?
Right Cylinder Glass
You have a glass of water that looks about half full. How can you tell, only using the glass of water itself, if the glass is half full or not? The glass is a right cylinder.
Pictures...
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
CIA, FBI, LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Found Dead
A man is found dead in a phone booth in a pool of blood. The glass on either end of the phone booth is broken and the phone is hanging. Just outside of the phone booth is a bucket and a stick. What happened?
BananApple
You have been given the task of transporting 3,000 apples 1,000 miles from Appleland to Bananaville. Your truck can carry 1,000 apples at a time. Every time you travel a mile towards Bananaville you must pay a tax of 1 apple but you pay nothing when going in the other direction (towards Appleland). What is highest number of apples you can get to Bananaville?
Poke ME
Poke your fingers in my eyes and I will open wide my jaws. Linen cloth, quills, or paper, my greedy lust devours them all. What am I?
Sum Sam and Product Pete are in class when their teacher gives Sam the Sum of two numbers and Pete the product of the same two numbers (these numbers are greater than or equal to 2). They must figure out the two numbers.
Sam: I don't know what the numbers are Pete.
Pete: I knew you didn't know the numbers... But neither do I.
Sam: In that case, I do know the numbers.
Sam: I don't know what the numbers are Pete.
Pete: I knew you didn't know the numbers... But neither do I.
Sam: In that case, I do know the numbers.
A poor man is sitting in a pub. He sees that the man next to him is extremely rich.
Poor man: I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed.
The rich man laughs.
Poor man: I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a popular song that includes a lady's name of your choosing. The rich man laughs again.
Rich man: OK, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?
The poor man goes home rich. What song did he sing?
Poor man: I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed.
The rich man laughs.
Poor man: I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a popular song that includes a lady's name of your choosing. The rich man laughs again.
Rich man: OK, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?
The poor man goes home rich. What song did he sing?
Calendar Factory
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Fishing
There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I'm just stuck here holding my rod...
BIG Threat
I am a big threat to humanity, but you wouldn't get rid of me even if you could. What am I?
Wear It
You wear me every day but you never put me on. I will change colors if you leave me out too long. What am I?
Life Time
I can bring tears to your eyes; resurrect the dead, make you smile, and reverse time. I form in an instant but I last a life time.
What am I?
What am I?
Eating Right
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well." The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."
What Time?
Guy: What time is it?
Other Guy: Time for you to get a watch! OHHH!
Guy: Time for you to get a new joke.
Other Guy: Time for you to get a watch! OHHH!
Guy: Time for you to get a new joke.
More Girls
A nerd sitting down on his chair... "Badass" bully comes up
Bully : Hey nerd! I have 10 times more girls than you have!
Nerd : *Thinks of comeback..* 10 times 0 is 0, I guess we have the same amount of girls!
Bully : Hey nerd! I have 10 times more girls than you have!
Nerd : *Thinks of comeback..* 10 times 0 is 0, I guess we have the same amount of girls!
Most Gorgeous and Beautiful
John: Hey.
Tracy: Hey what are you doing?
John: Just texting the most gorgeous and beautiful girl in the world.
Tracy: Awww, that's so sweet, thanks John...
John: But she did not text me back, and now am texting you.
Tracy: Hey what are you doing?
John: Just texting the most gorgeous and beautiful girl in the world.
Tracy: Awww, that's so sweet, thanks John...
John: But she did not text me back, and now am texting you.
Bully & Wimp
Bully is provoking a wimpy kid
Bully: Hit me!
Wimp: NO!
Bully: Hit me!
Wimp: NO!
Bully: Hit me!
Wimp: I don't know where you are from, but in this country we don't believe in hitting little girls.
Bully: Hit me!
Wimp: NO!
Bully: Hit me!
Wimp: NO!
Bully: Hit me!
Wimp: I don't know where you are from, but in this country we don't believe in hitting little girls.
Chewing
My teacher asked me the first day of school, "Are you chewing?" I said, "No, Chewing is probably one these exchange students, my name is Michael."
DONUTS
Police officer: You know why I pulled you over?
Me: *points at donuts* Because you smelt these.
Guest are Comin'
Mum: Go clean you room, guest are coming!
Child: I thought they were having dinner downstairs, NOT in my room.
Child: I thought they were having dinner downstairs, NOT in my room.
MAKE your bed!!
Mom: Make your bed, Mike!
Me: Why I have to make it if Im going to sleep in it again?
Mom: Why do I feed you If I know your just going to die?
Me: Good point. Lesson Learned.
Me: Why I have to make it if Im going to sleep in it again?
Mom: Why do I feed you If I know your just going to die?
Me: Good point. Lesson Learned.
No one Cares!
Teacher: " What do you call a person who talks about things no one cares about? "
You: " A teacher. "
You: " A teacher. "
Vegetables
Mom: "Eat your vegetables."
Kid: "I hate vegetables!"
Mom: "But they like you."
Kid: "That's because I don't eat them!"
Kid: "I hate vegetables!"
Mom: "But they like you."
Kid: "That's because I don't eat them!"
Yes, please
*At a restaurant*
Waiter - "Would you like a table?"
Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.
Waiter - "Would you like a table?"
Me - "No, not at all, we came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.
Zoo
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don't be mad, I'll be there, too.
Not in the cage, but laughing at you!
Violets are blue
Faces like yours belong in the zoo.
Don't be mad, I'll be there, too.
Not in the cage, but laughing at you!
Adopted
My little sister was being made fun of at school be#ausc shes adopted so she told them, " my momma choose me. your parents are stuck with you."
End of the Ruler
Me: Mum i got a detention today
Mum: Why!
Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot".
Mum: Yeah so
Me: I asked what end.
Mum: Why!
Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said "at the end of this ruler is a idiot".
Mum: Yeah so
Me: I asked what end.
Highway 33
A police officer pulls over a car full of old women. He says "Mam, you realize you can't drive that slow on the highway. It's dangerous." She responds "Isn't the speed limit 33?" Laughing the cop says "No man, this is highway 33. That's not the speed limit." He looks into the back of the car and the women are frightened. He asks "What's wrong with them?" The lady says "I don't know. We just came off of Highway 144."
LOAN
A blonde walks into a New York bank and asks for a $1,000 loan for a month long trip to Asia. The loan officer tells her "You are going to need some collateral if you want a loan." The blonde tells him "I'll leave my Rolls Royce, it's worth $200,000." The bank accepts the security and laughs at her for leaving such an expensive car for such a small loan. When she comes back from her trip she goes to the bank and repays her loan plus interest, coming to $1,020. The bank manager smirks at her and asks "We know you are a millionaire, why would you get such a small loan and use such an expensive car for collateral?" The blonde looks at him and smiles "Where else can I park my car in the city for a month for $20?"
Memory Test
Three elderly ladies are discussing their mental health. The first lady says, "Today I was at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember if I had just gone up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "I was sitting at the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember if I was about to sleep or just woke up." The final lady says, "My memory is as good as ever, knock on wood." With this she hits the table twice. Suddenly she is startled and looks up, "Who's there?"
From Head to Toe
You use me from your head to your toes, the more I work the thinner I grow. What am I?
The Beginning 'til the End
From the beginning of eternity To the end of time and space To the beginning of every end And the end of every place. What am I?
At night and day
At night they come without being fetched, and by day they are lost without being stolen. What are they?
A Beautiful Princess
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!" Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?" The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Bring Your FINGERS!!
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
Bank Guard
Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''
Clem: ''What did thief do then?''
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''
Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''
Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''
Clem: ''What did thief do then?''
Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''
Construction Ear
A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear, "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it."
Your Beautiful
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"
A Word
Pronounced as one letter, And written with three, Two letters there are, And two only in me. I'm double, I'm single, I'm black, blue, and gray, I'm read from both ends, And the same either way. What am I?
I'm Weightless
I am weightless, but you can see me. Put me in a bucket, and I'll make it lighter. What am I?
Went to the Woods
I went into the woods and got it. I sat down to seek it. I brought it home with me because I couldn't find it. What is it?
Can Swim, Can't Fly
I'm the part of the bird that's not in the sky. I can swim in the ocean and yet remain dry. What am I?
I can do, but do can't I
What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps?
I'll Break
Throw it off the highest building, and I'll not break. But put me in the ocean, and I will. What am I?
Calling the Principal
A school receives a telephone call. “Hello,” says the principal. “My
daughter won’t be in school today,” says the voice. “May I ask who this
is?” asked the principal. “This is my mother speaking.”
Phone Call
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$68,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing….The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$68,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing….The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!”
MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”
Services
We offer three kinds of service:
GOOD - CHEAP - FAST
You pick any two!
GOOD and CHEAP won't be FAST
GOOD and FAST won't be CHEAP
CHEAP and FAST won't be GOOD
GOOD - CHEAP - FAST
You pick any two!
GOOD and CHEAP won't be FAST
GOOD and FAST won't be CHEAP
CHEAP and FAST won't be GOOD
Elevators
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
The BILL
Tuesday, Sam and Peter went to a restaurant to eat lunch. After eating lunch, they paid the bill. But Sam and Peter did not pay the bill, so who did?
GRYYYY
Think of words ending in "gry." Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is.
Dirt
How much dirt is there in a hole in the ground that's two feet wide, three feet long, and four feet deep?
Burry Him There!!
Is it legal for a man living west of the Mississippi River to be buried east of the Mississippi River?
Fire
If you had one match and entered a room in which there were a kerosene lamp, an oil burner, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first?
Smoky
An electric train is traveling northwest at 95 miles per hour, and the wind is blowing southwest at 95 miles per hour. In which direction does the smoke blow?
Bus Driver
You are a bus driver. At the first stop of the day, eight people get on board. At the second stop, four get off, and eleven get on. At the third stop, two get off, and six get on. At the fourth stop, thirteen get off, and one gets on. At the fifth stop, five get off, and three get on. At the sixth stop, three get off, and two get on. What color are the bus driver's eyes?
WET
Three large people tries to crowd under one small umbrella. Nobody got wet. How was this possible?
School Bell
When teacher says 'The bell doesn't dismiss, you the teacher does', does that mean that
the bell doesn't dictate whether I'm late to school but the teacher does???
- Grace
The Same
Take away my first letter, and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I?
PINK!!!
In a one-story pink house, there was a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink computer, a pink chair, a pink table, a pink telephone, a pink shower– everything was pink! What color were the stairs?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)